21/02/08 (not for the sensitive)

again i feel as if i want nothing to come further.i want pain to stop and so instead of changing the pain as i have attempted roller coastally i wish for it to end.
i feel overwhelmed and unwilling to give as i wish just yet.just now.
as the baby doesnt settle and i waste away the protective home i feel a failure perhaps that keeps my eyes watered.
i almost want to be in suffering just to feel something. some control.
this stress and discomfort is unbearable.
a twang at every comment. unearthing, traumatizing pain that writhes and reeks and is embarrassing critical.
it did not begin like this but becoming you i feel the abhorrence and let you shine in the presence of laid backness.
if this is not for me then what is, where is if not here, now?
will this ever be bearable, will there ever be situation that does not uncover years of unworthy, broken memories and moments.
how couold i have let this affect me but how not.
victim to me, willing surrender.
is it that i want to be taken care of, i want unconditional unbalance or is it that i am fed up with myself.
the moments of doubt are as omens are to steer me toward right toward center.
i know there is nothing wrong but my own insecurity to push for happiness.
if this exists is this a concept that keeps us working, in line, and a promise of eden
we have father, the guilt is innate and we drive in shame through unbearable times trying to find the snake to blend.
nothing, not food, not love, not money statisfies without distrust
only sun and sound and green and sway can give me the smile that is silence.
nothing is needed but that, ON MY TERMS.
i am stuck in a spiral cycle of performance and pleasing without going for what i want.
FUCK IT.
i dont want to kiss ass and resent the smell later.
i want to be her i want to be. no pressure.
no expectation. me and when i am ready i can summon external lore to my quarters to unite in physical fuck.
this is all that can be externally tangible.
i dont see anything else at this time.
i look forward in fear.
behind in regret and where does that put me now
in PMSal irritation.
in excuse
in heart palpitating pain
i want all. with change is new and exciting and dynamic life dance.
stop disappointing. stop pining, pinning, let me dance and be.
i dont want a twenty four seven partner now
i cant take the bruised toes
xoxo