21/02/08 (not for the sensitive)

again i feel as if i want nothing to come further.i want pain to stop and so instead of changing the pain as i have attempted roller coastally i wish for it to end.
i feel overwhelmed and unwilling to give as i wish just yet.just now.
as the baby doesnt settle and i waste away the protective home i feel a failure perhaps that keeps my eyes watered.
i almost want to be in suffering just to feel something. some control.
this stress and discomfort is unbearable.
a twang at every comment. unearthing, traumatizing pain that writhes and reeks and is embarrassing critical.
it did not begin like this but becoming you i feel the abhorrence and let you shine in the presence of laid backness.
if this is not for me then what is, where is if not here, now?
will this ever be bearable, will there ever be situation that does not uncover years of unworthy, broken memories and moments.
how couold i have let this affect me but how not.
victim to me, willing surrender.
is it that i want to be taken care of, i want unconditional unbalance or is it that i am fed up with myself.
the moments of doubt are as omens are to steer me toward right toward center.
i know there is nothing wrong but my own insecurity to push for happiness.
if this exists is this a concept that keeps us working, in line, and a promise of eden
we have father, the guilt is innate and we drive in shame through unbearable times trying to find the snake to blend.
nothing, not food, not love, not money statisfies without distrust
only sun and sound and green and sway can give me the smile that is silence.
nothing is needed but that, ON MY TERMS.
i am stuck in a spiral cycle of performance and pleasing without going for what i want.
FUCK IT.
i dont want to kiss ass and resent the smell later.
i want to be her i want to be. no pressure.
no expectation. me and when i am ready i can summon external lore to my quarters to unite in physical fuck.
this is all that can be externally tangible.
i dont see anything else at this time.
i look forward in fear.
behind in regret and where does that put me now
in PMSal irritation.
in excuse
in heart palpitating pain
i want all. with change is new and exciting and dynamic life dance.
stop disappointing. stop pining, pinning, let me dance and be.
i dont want a twenty four seven partner now
i cant take the bruised toes
xoxo

jesus is, coming?

mother, father, wake up brother.we wait in this red -- tree house -- room -- for you -- warm and smiling. the song will last for as long as you need it to take you to heaven: in dwelling presence of being. you need not understand, faith will come: let go to feel. this fall. into the infinite oblivion.

unlit birthday wish

thursday sun buzzes like nothing,
in park and trees
children playground.
a wish is sent through digital photograph
and the heating of this moment will linger in album.
i am with you, in ears
and paint
and breath
and murmur
and spicy ginger tingle tummy
and collaborated magic.
our train comes in five minutes.
i am enamored -- dream-like dopamine.
don't tell me youre just just a chemical --
i want to tell you.
you turn and twist pleasure
i turn and twist
where are the cameras
kiss me until i forget again
lifted in why's and wherefore's?
because

selfish genes

my mom planted lettuce last summer. her first crop and we got to harvest the most magnificent salads from september till december.
\her seed pods grew as they do and she had not collected and saved them so now there are lettuci pushing up through the bricks of her back yard and life has taken over
life will entropically...what the fuck are we doing messing with things


food not lawns!
om yum
xoxo

i just had to write something so i dont feel worthless

something.

jake josef

how would i do justice with your story, jake josef,
your borrowed bicycle, blue like your bruises;
your dimpled cheeks afraid to smile out of the hollow space you have chosen.
you understand your freedom, wise anarchist,
and your remind me of the possibilities of oscillation.
i need to stay with you only a moment --
your swirling whiskeyed minds reads things differently
from my momentary brilliance.
how you can see that this is simply a report of the seconds.
you wrote this, jake josef

Shefa Gold; Chochmat HaLev

the bus so yellow -
a momentous reconnecting to a reality we are creating.
who is today? besides you in your cryptic annunciation:
living out of the question without needing to answer it
the word opens up a moment to moment mystery with the beloved
where there is permission, growth and therefore creativity.
there is importance to heal what is hidden,
asleep,
that is not able to be used to mend.
to be wise in love is to understand the timing.